Kind and Benevolent Sarah Barracuda,
Please send my boyfriend $3,269. For the last month we've been living in Taiwan. Whenever I meet an American and they find out I'm from Alaska they raise their hands as if holding a rifle and ask me about my moose hunting escapades with you, dear governor. I always smile demurely and refrain from explaining that while I have never been a hunter, I have often wanted to shoot the moose in midtown that loiter in the intersections. Maybe you can nudge along some special inner-city hunting regulations during the next legislative session.
But what I really want to talk to you about is the $3,269 you gave every Alaskan man, woman and child this year. Or at least almost every man, woman and child - you see, James hasn't received his check yet and when he looks at his application online it simply says that some caseworker is verifying his residency status. James filled out all the proper paperwork, and though he was in college out-of-state I guarantee he's an Alaskan in both letter and spirit of the law.
Governor Palin, we were counting on that money to see us through months of inactivity overseas. On the off chance we did find gainful employment, we were hoping to squeeze in a weekend or two in Hong Kong, Shanghai or Beijing. As it is, we cannot buy a mattress pillow for our tortuous, stiff Asian bed. We are too tight to afford a small heater. And winter is coming.
I promise we'll get jobs eventually. But could you please really just send us $3,269 already?
Eight Stars of Gold on a Field of Blue,